Bird Seven Revised: My Friend Robin is Right
My friend Robin was right, I think (see her Feb 19 comment on the original post -- I can't make it link here). I struggled with this part in the initial writing, was originally going to stop after "...so I can miss you," but it seemed to make the end come too abruptly. Now I see I could have stopped shorter, trusted the reader more. Thanks, Robin.
Valentine for the Runaway Man
Once, in the kitchen, he was standing at the sink, sleeves rolled, suds flying, scrubbing the paella pan, and she felt it coming on -- the terrible need to chase him away. This became a game. She stole up behind, sockfeet padding percussively in place, clawed hands poised like a hungry bear, a cartoon monster, a lunatic crab. "What are you doing?" he asked, and she answered, "I'm chasing you, of course. You've just forgotten to run away." "You're crazy," he laughed. "Please," she insisted, "Run away."
I promise, my love, that one day, I will run away for you.
Valentine for the Runaway Man
Once, in the kitchen, he was standing
at the sink, sleeves rolled, suds flying,
scrubbing the paella pan,
and she felt it coming on --
the terrible need to chase him away.
This became a game. She stole up behind,
sockfeet padding percussively in place,
clawed hands poised like a hungry bear,
a cartoon monster, a lunatic crab.
"What are you doing?" he asked,
and she answered, "I'm chasing you,
of course. You've just forgotten to run away."
"You're crazy," he laughed. "Please,"
she insisted, "Run away."
I promise, my love, that one day,
I will run away for you.
1 comment:
you got it, woman! That "Please" does a lot of work. Now you've opened up so much possibility-- it feels so much deeper now. I really like it.
In the traditional poem version the "Please" threw me by being on the same line as his dialogue, even though, of course I certainly should've known who said it, I still paused a second. So I imagine on a first reading, I'd really pause on that to look at the punctuation and see who said it. I can see that it needs to be on the end of the line, though. It does do an awful lot of work, does it deserve a line by itself?
just thinking
You really hit the nail on the head with this revision! remembering what you said about specific enough to paint a real picture and general enough to be speak to everyone-- I think you made me see something-- it's the detail that must be specific, we need to see the character, the scene, in all the telling detail, but then the emotion, the thought-- we need to let each reader bring that themselves. Does that make sense? sorry for the typos and grammar, I'm just getting this out in a rush.
Great! I'm so glad you're giving me these things to think about!
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